The Planet's Worst Hacker

Here is the story about a hacker who had little problems… Originally from this German site (please include this link if you repost this anywhere (site might be down, quite a lot of people are reading this)). It was Elch from StopHipHop.DE who first published this log.

In case you don’t speak German, there’s been a translation to English. There may be some spelling errors, but the original spelling wasn’t perfect either. The guy really said "buy buy" in the German version.

Notice that Germany gets DST (Daylight Savings Time) earlier than in the US.

The story starts (I’m shortcutting here) with an idiot insulting everyone on the IRC channel. Most people there believed it was rather funny. To quote him: "we […] satanists victims winos like you in the ass every day" (this did not make sense in german, either… the translator). But it got even funnier.

For information: The dangerous hacker is called bitchchecker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch. is always the IP-adress of the computer you’re currently using, any request there will return to your own computer.

* bitchchecker ( Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker ( has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker: why do you kick me
bitchchecker: can’t you discus normally
bitchchecker: answer!
Elch: we didn’t kick you
Elch: you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker ( Quit (Ping timeout#)
bitchchecker: what ping man
bitchchecker: the timing of my pc is right
bitchchecker: i even have dst
bitchchecker: you banned me
bitchchecker: amit it you son of a bitch
HopperHunter|afk: LOL
HopperHunter|afk: shit you’re stupid, DST^^
bitchchecker: shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
bitchchecker: for two weaks already
bitchchecker: when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
Elch: You’re a real computer expert
bitchchecker: shut up i hack you
Elch: ok, i’m quiet, hope you don’t show us how good a hacker you are ^^
bitchchecker: tell me your network number man then you’re dead
Elch: Eh, it’s
Elch: or maybe
Elch: yes exactly that’s it: I’m waiting for you great attack
bitchchecker: in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
Elch: Now I’m frightened
bitchchecker: shut up you’ll be gone
bitchchecker: i have a program where i enter your ip and you’re dead
bitchchecker: say goodbye
Elch: to whom?
bitchchecker: to you man
bitchchecker: buy buy
Elch: I’m shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker ( Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP-Adress in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure. I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.

* bitchchecker ( has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker: dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you’d be gone
Metanot: lol
Elch: bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again… I still have the same IP:
bitchchecker: you’re so stupid man
bitchchecker: say buy buy
Metanot: ah, [Please control your cussing] off
bitchchecker: buy buy elch
* bitchchecker ( Quit (Ping timeout#)

There was a tension in the room… Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve… Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.

* bitchchecker ( has joined #stopHipHop
bitchchecker: elch you son of a bitch
Metanot: bitchchecker how old are you?
Elch: What’s up bitchchecker?
bitchchecker: you have a frie wal
bitchchecker: fire wall
Elch: maybe, i don’t know
bitchchecker: i’m 26
Metanot: such behaviour with 26?
Elch: how did you find out that I have a firewall?
Metanot: tststs this is not very nice missy
bitchchecker: because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
bitchchecker: be a man turn that shit off
Elch: cool, didn’t know this was possible.
bitchchecker: thn my virus destroys your pc man
Metanot: are you hacking yourselves?
Elch: yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
Metanot: he bitchchecker if you’re a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
bitchchecker: yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
Metanot: what firewall do you have?
bitchchecker: like a girl
Metanot: firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it…you girl^^
He: Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you’re letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
bitchchecker: turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
Elch: Noo
Metanot: he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
bitchchecker: you’re afraid
bitchchecker: i don’t wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
bitchchecker: elch turn off your shit wall!
Metanot: i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that’s an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
bitchchecker: shut up
Metanot: lol
bitchchecker: my grandma surfs with fire wall
bitchchecker: and you suckers think you’re cool and don’t dare going into the internet without a fire wall

He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn’t let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don’t have a firewall at all, only my router.

Elch: bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
Metanot: bitchhacker can’t hack
Black: nice play on words ^^
bitchchecker: wort man
Elch: bitchchecker: I’m still waiting for your attack!
Metanot: how many times again he is no hacker
bitchchecker: man do you want a virus
bitchchecker: tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
Metanot: lol ne give it up i’m a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you’re no hacker..^^
Elch: it’s easy
bitchchecker: lolololol you so stupid man you’ll be gone
bitchchecker: and are the first files being deleted
Elch: mom…
Elch: i’ll take a look

In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?

bitchchecker: don’t need to rescue you can’t son of a bitch
Elch: that’s bad
bitchchecker: elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
Elch: yes, there’s nothing i can do about it
bitchchecker: and in 20 seconds f: is gone

Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn’t matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.

bitchchecker: tupac rules
bitchchecker: elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too

Drive E:? Oh my god… All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted….

Or isn’t it happening on my computer?

bitchchecker: and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
He: why doesn’t meta say anything
Elch: he’s probably rolling on the floor laughing
Black: ^^
bitchchecker: your d: is gone
He: go on BITCH

The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I’ll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.

bitchchecker: elch man you’re so stupid never give your ip on the internet
bitchchecker: i’m already at c: 30 percent

Should I tell him he’s not attacking my computer?

* bitchchecker ( Quit (Ping timeout#)

Too late… It’s 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias “bitchchecker”. We see that he has a “Ping timeout”. We haven’t seen him since then… must be the Daylight Saving Time.

Notice: We are well completely aware that maybe bitchchecker was just playing a game with us. He also claimed to have german as his major field of study.

bitchchecker: shut up man i have advanced german

Added by the translator: I completely forgot the last notice – sorry. His german is about as bad as my translation of it (this was intended). Notice that the german expression “Leistungskurs” (the most advanced course you can take in the kind of school that prepares you for university) can not really be translated into english. I tried with “advanced” and “major field of study”, hope it fits.

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