LANGLEY: Santa Clause is Coming to Town… TO KILL LITTLE BABY JESUS!

Mr. Langley…Your child is missing. Your child is with us. Your child is safe… For now.

We think we’ve got the technical details mostly worked out (a friend lent us his PC), and are ready to once again launch our "REIGN OF TERROR" once Roger gets the list of demands OFF the Mac and onto the PC. Roger thought of the name, "REIGN OF TERROR", and he’s really quite proud of himself. Everyone else on the team thinks that name is a little tired, but no one has the heart to tell Roger.

Anyhow, here’s a picture of your little child, again with the danger and the peril and the screaming…

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Yup. That’s the lil’shaver INCHES away from being squarshed by a menacing car tire. If you don’t act fast and respond to our demands, it’s SPLAT CITY for JESUS! Don’t think we’re kidding. We’re not.

So, without further ado… At last, and finally, here’s our list of demands! MWU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha…

Well, crap.

That’s not working. The demands didn’t transmit.

And Roger tells me that the file with our demands has gotten messed up (damned Macs). It looks like it’ll be a while until we can get that sorted out.

So, Mr. Langley, we have NO CHOICE but to horrify you some more with some pictures of the fate that awaits the King of Kings…

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Again it didn’t work. Those aren’t even the right PICTURES, dammit. I’m really embarassed. Let me try it again.

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THIS IS TERRIBLE! These aren’t even close to the right and scary pictures. That’s Tinkerbell, a sorta-scary picture of Jesus in the freezer (he’s sitting on Dreamery Ice Cream, so how bad can it be, really?), our secretary Carl, and another moderately scary picture of the Lord of Lords in the microwave. I’d attempt to frighten you by telling you that it’s a 1200 watt microwave, but the reality is that it doesn’t work that well.

Okay. This is it. Last try.

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AHA! TAKE THAT, Mr. Langley!

At last, some satisfaction… Here we’ve got three TRULY HORRIFYING pictures of the fate awaiting your little baby. That’s your little savior being dropped down a spinning disposal, being sacrificed to our gods on a pyre of roaring flame (well, a roaring tea candle, but it still gets pretty hot), and finally, perhaps most throat-clenchingly awful of all, your child moments away from a most unflattering makeover using Mary Kay cosmetics!

Being evil isn’t easy, but it sure feels good. I’m feeling pretty confident, so how about one more, awful, disgusting, nauseating picture, just to show you how very serious we are! Here it comes, Mr. Langley. You might want to sit down, because what you’re about to see will certainly shock you! MWU-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha…

Click the image for a larger view.

That’s it. I give up. I’m going to bed.

Your next set of instructions will appear at noon (EST) on Saturday, December 14, 2002.

Do not fail, Mr. Langley. The salvation of the world rests upon your decision.