You want a piece of this?!

Session Start (AIM): Thu Apr 04 14:25:27 2002
Drew: Do you want a beating?
MrEmery: What kind?
Drew: Severe.

MrEmery: With what?
Drew: Found items — probably a camera bag, a desktop page-a-day calendar, and a plastic lobster.
MrEmery: Ok, sure.
MrEmery: Sign me up, buttercup.
Drew: But I would be happy to tailor it to your specfic needs. We aim to please.
MrEmery: I appreciate that.
Drew: Well, we think it's our SERVICE that sets us apart.
Drew: "One beating, well serviced". That a motto.
MrEmery: An understatement, my friend.
Drew: "Sure, I'm bleeding out of my ears, but I know I was well-served" — a happy (?) customer.
Drew: You may forget the pain, eventually. But you will remember the service.
MrEmery: And really, that's what keeps them coming back.
Drew: We're memory-makers.
MrEmery: Oh, without a doubt.
Drew: So, you want the "Severe, found-item, beating" for one?
MrEmery: Sounds good to me
Drew: Great. $32.50.
Drew: $32.50 — best price in the state!
Drew: PayPal…
MrEmery: Cool.
MrEmery: When can we schedule?
Drew: Shall I send an invoice?
Drew: We usually suggest a three-day window — it helps with the element of surprise. However, if you're as busy as well all are (and who isn't?!), we also offer a convenient two-hour call-ahead.
MrEmery: Perfect.
MrEmery: Weekend of the 22nd, then?
Drew: Weekend of April 22nd… We're pretty booked up, but I think we can squeeze you in. Don't worry — we don't rush the beatings.
Drew: You'll get your fair share, AND, as a special bonus…
Drew: …Once your beating is done, we'll tell ya who recommended you to us!
Drew: Lemme give you a hint: "You'd never guess it was Matt Casto".
Drew: D'OH!
Drew: Never been too good at hints.
Drew: Darnit.
MrEmery: heh
Drew: Would you like the two-hour call-ahead, or do you prefer to "let the blood fall when it may"?
MrEmery: One caveat:
Drew: OK
MrEmery: It must not take place in front of any relatives.
MrEmery: Some of them have weak hearts.
Drew: That's pretty standard, in case our clients cry or wet themselves… We certainly don't want to upset or offend anyone; we're much more interested in administering a customer-focused beating.
Drew: Well, check your email in a moment or two for the invoice.
Drew: Well get the unpleasant business settled up, and then we can finalize you for your beating.
MrEmery: Nice.
Drew: I appreciate your support.
Drew: 😉
MrEmery: Anytime.
Drew: Thanks, pal. We're gonna give you a beating you won't soon forget.
MrEmery: Who is the "we"?
Drew: My guys, and one gal.
MrEmery: Wendy?
Drew: Heck no! She's too wimpy. The gal is a young woman named "Chuck".
MrEmery: Cool.
Drew: Pre-op female, of course.
Drew: I trust that's not a problem.
MrEmery: Not at all.
MrEmery: Though…
MrEmery: I prefer not to be beaten by complete strangers.
Drew: If you would like, for an extra $15, I can arrange a 30 minute coffee with them, PB.
MrEmery: "PB"?
Drew: "Pre-beating"… Little bit of industry lingo there… Sorry.
MrEmery: gotcha.
MrEmery: I thought you meant "pro bono"
MrEmery: then I realized that didn't mesh with the $15
Drew: We have another piece of lingo for Post-Beating…
Drew: We abbreviate Post-Beating as "ER", for obvious reasons.
MrEmery: Naturally.
Drew: Again, we aim to please.
MrEmery: It's greatly appreciated
Drew: So, shall I put you down for the PB coffee?
MrEmery: Can we make it the day before?
Drew: Hmm… My guys aren't in Columbus until the weekend of the 22nd… Perhaps a PB phone call?
Drew: We could do THAT before your scheduled appointment, and there's NO CHARGE for that.
MrEmery: Well, as long as there's sufficient surprise time after the PB coffee
MrEmery: It kind of ruins it if the beating starts immediately after the PB coffee
Drew: Well, we wouldn't want you to get stomach cramps or anything…
MrEmery: Or ruin the camaraderie of the PB coffee
Drew: Indeed.
Drew: Thanks.